Friday, January 4, 2013

Fun Mommy Blogger? Sorry, no!

I admit it, I read all the funny mom blogs, the stay at home mom blogs, the stay at home dad blogs, etc, etc. I often wonder if I could turn my life into something like that. Just leave out all the shit real stuff, and concentrate on those small moments in the day that someone might find funny. Then, reality hits.

I can't get on here and write about how wonderful my mornings are, and oh wasn't that SO CUTE when my twelve year old wouldn't get out of bed, after I'd relaxed in my spa shower, and had five cups of coffee. How I finally got him out by cooking a gourmet breakfast, with cute little fruit animals that I magically carved in fifteen seconds.

My normal day consists of trying to convince myself that yes, I really do need to get my ass out of bed. Pronto. I will push it to the absolute limit, leaving barely enough time to throw clothes on some days. Forget about breakfast (lunch?). Don't even think about make-up and hair. I simply don't allow myself enough time.  As for getting the kids up? Forget about it, I can't get them up with a crow bar most days. It finally comes down to standing at the door, pounding and yelling that they either get up, or I dump them out.

I'm not one of those moms that get to stay home all day, and bitch nicely joke about how hectic my day was. (Don't get me wrong - SAHMs do have their work cut out for them, but really, so does every parent, working or stay at home. And, to be blunt - most SAHMs don't have these perfect, sunny days they like to write about. Trust me, I know. I tried the SAHM gig for awhile.) I sure can't talk about how cute it was my friend Suzy brought her son, John Boy over for that perfect play date.  Oh, and isn't it just so adorable that the hellion sweet boy tried to attack the dog 5873 times, with a water gun?

The reality is, I do have a lot of that happen, but guess what? I'm at work! So, that means that in addition to working eight to twelve hours a day, I get phone calls about how the 19 year old is being mean, or the the 12 year old is being disgusting. Then, I get to go home to all the cumulative messes from the day, and spend four hours trying to get things back in order. Yep, that's a shitload of giggles, let me tell you!

I can't write about how while the darling demons children were out playing with their adorable little friends, I managed to look up five craft projects, 3 home improvement projects, and the perfect pot roast on Pinterest. (Oh, and get all the above done before the Husband gets off work, and walks through the door.)

No, I get to realize half way through the day that I forgot to set out meat, or start a crock pot. This means that I get to rush home at nine, and try and either A) defrost meat in the microwave B) try and figure out if I have anything in the cupboards that doesn't require meat, or C) declare it pizza night, again, for the third time this month. As for the craft projects on Pinterest? Well, I look at them online at about 2 a.m., think they're cute, decide not to repin them, because seriously, who has time for that shit??

Now, before everyone gets their panties all tied up in knots, I want to say that, yes, I do have a sense of humor. It's a little darker than most mommy's blogs. (In case you haven't figured that out from reading this post.) Also, yes, I stereotyped a lot of SAHM blogs, but seriously, have you read some of those things?? Only Stepford wives could be that fucking sweet and perfect.

Now, if you'd like to see what a real SAHM is like (trust me, it ain't baking cookies and snapping cute pictures of how perfect their kids are), I have a few blogs I can recommend:

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