Stress (i.e. the case of the disappearing OA)

If you've been around for awhile, you know that Husband and I own our own business. No, that does not mean that we don't have a "real job", or that we can take time off whenever we want. We don't get sick leave, vacation pay, or anything along those lines. If we aren't here, we don't make money. If we don't make money, the kids don't eat and bills don't get paid.

A year ago, we brought another artist in, to join us. The thought was that we would now be able to get more time off work. We might actually get that elusive thing called a vacation, that we hear so much about, but had yet to see for ourselves. (As a side note, a day or two off of work, is not a vacation. It's a few days off.)

Fifteen months after bringing Other Artist (from here on, we'll call her OA) in, we have yet to catch that vacation. If anything, we have been here even more. OA is technically an independent contractor, so we can't set her hours.

When she came in, it was mutually agreed that she would work Sundays and Mondays. It let the studio be open seven days a week, and gave OA two days of not competing with us for clients. She would also work three other days of her choosing. Looks great on paper, right? Well, it isn't so good in real life.

As I said, OA is an independent. That means that when she wanted eight days off in September, we couldn't say anything. Eight days off in May? Nothing we could do. When she took 16 days off in November, we couldn't say a word. When a friend passed away in August, and she was gone for a week, we couldn't say anything. Four days off in June? She's an independent.

However, since our advertised hours are now for seven days a week, we couldn't very well shut the place down. Can you guess who got to cover those five or so weeks off? A gold star if you guessed Husband or myself.

There is an advantage, we - ok, the business - get to make all the money, without paying a commission to OA. But, money does not buy happiness. Nor does it buy stress relief. In fact, working 24 days in a row without a day off, actually buys you quite a bit of stress. Enough stress that it starts affecting your marriage, and your children.

Enough stress that you start to question if your marriage will make it. Enough that it comes down to both of us going to see a counselor. His magic answer? We work too much. It is why we are so hateful to each other, and why we have gotten down right mean. His prescription: Take some time off work, leave town, relieve some stress. Too bad it took us spending $130 a week to find out what our problem was.

Again, looks awesome on paper. I mean, we have OA here to make sure we get more time off, right? Not so simple. You see, three days after being told this, and telling OA this, she took yet another two days off. (If I've added right, that's about 44 days off work this year, not including normal days off. So, we'll add in about 100 (That comes to what? Let's see, 44 + 100 = 144 days.) Again, there were sick and personal days taken off in there, too. So, if I had to guess, it was closer to 165 days off work for OA, in 2012.

Care to guess who got to work these days?

P.S. An average working person gets 2 days off a week, which is about 104 a year. If the working person is lucky, they get seven days of vacation time. That's a total of about 111 days off a year. OA got approximately 54 more days off than the average person. Husband and I got about 54 days less than the average worker. If my math is right, that's 50 days off a year. That comes out to less than a day a week. But, wait, there's more. On our days off, we still have to come in about 20 days a year (adding up the hours that we come in each week, on our "days off",  is where I came up with the extra 20 days.) to return email, get projects drawn, place orders, open the doors, etc, etc, etc, etc. Woohoo!! We got 30 days off this year!!

F*CK!!

I finally rejoined the blogging world, which was great therapy. Then, tonight, my laptop decided it was time to go to the gadget graveyard. Lovely.

Even better? All my tattoo pics are on it. As are all my financial records. Can 2012 be over yet?!?!

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Dream House

About three months ago, I made a wish list for a house. It would have:

3-5 bedrooms
good size kitchen
dining room
pantry
living room
den
basement (finished or unfinished)
2 bathrooms
2 car garage
enough property to put a small guest house/art studio on
outside city limits

5 weeks ago, I found the house. I was told that it had just been vacated, and that it was up for sale, and possible for a lease purchase option.

We went and looked at it, the yard was severely overgrown, and looked like it hadn't been lived in for at least a year. From what we could see through the windows, we were in love. I couldn't have hit the nail more on the head with my wish list if I'd seen the house before hand.

It definitely needed work - new carpet, new paint, some work on the sliding doors and window, definite yard work, and other odds and ends. But, we had found what we'd been looking for!

We were estactic!!

Then...........

We looked up the property on the local CAD......and discovered that it was a foreclosed upon home.

It was taken over by the mortgage company in March.

The former owners didn't vacate until late August, but had refused to take care of the property, as they knew they were going to lose it. That's why it looks like it's been vacant at least a year.

I've been playing tag with the mortgage company for five weeks, trying to find something out on being able to purchase the house. Today, I was finally told that FHA would be taking it back over. I am getting no where....

Do any of you have any suggestions?? How do I go about trying to get this home??

New perspective

The place where my clients receive their art, and in the process, pain.

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The Mess, the Wife, the Mother, the Cryer, the Laugher........

So, after my hiatus, I decided I was way far behind in reading my favorite bloggers.

I already knew that "Are You Serious" was gone. She did it with a simple post along the lines of: "Things are a mess, blogging makes it worse." A year later, I still wonder what happened to her. Ally from "Hyperbole and a half" was suffering depression, and while I found her facebook page, there is little there to go off of. I hope both of these women are doing ok.

I did not know that places such as "Absolutely Narcissism" and "A Life For Rent", we're MIA. "Carrie Bradshaw is Full of Shit", is now also gone. Ok, they may not be completely gone. The pages are there. The bloggers are missing. No new posts for several months now. In the case of Absolutely, the page is there, the posts are no longer available.

I have to wonder - did they, too, wake up one morning and wonder where they had gone? Did the enormity of the world around them make them decide that it wasn't worth writing about their problems? Were they afraid, like me, of getting too personal? saying too much??

I can admit it, now. I am depressed. Not hide-in-a-dark-room-and-speak-to-no-one kind of way. Just the way of I-don't-want-to-take-the-time-to-do-my-hair-and-makeup-because-no-one-gives-a-shit-anyway.  I still make it to work, I still do tattoos, I still cook for my family, do laundry, etc, etc. I just don't want to. I simply force myself to do these things. Otherwise, the whole structure that I have created will crumble. If I don't do these things, I will be the hide-in-a-dark-room kind of depressed.

When I started this blog, I think I was in the same place I am now. I have come full circle. In fact, I think that blogging is one of my self made cures. It doesn't matter if anyone reads it, or not. I get to get things off my chest, without anyone telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. Hell, even if a follower does tell me I'm wrong, does it really matter??

It was named "Brain Worms" for a reason. The worms are all those thoughts that just won't go away. The ones that keep you up at night. The ones that don't allow you to function like a normal human being. Well, the worms are back. Not always in my own head, but in someone very near and dear to me. So, in turn, the worms take their turn in my brain, too. I get to hear near and dear's worries, anger, and more. Then, my worms take it, and chew and chew and chew on it, until I start to take them on as my own.

While not every post will be self analyzing, nor will they be depressing, I have found that simply typing things - ANYTHING - out, makes me feel better. It could be that I'm having a shit day, and don't want to be. So, I may make a post about something that made me smile. If I'm pissed, you may get to read about it.

I won't be the next Ally, the next Blogess, or any of the other well known bloggers.

I will be me. The Mess, the Wife, the Mother, the Cryer, the Laugher, the woman with the fucked up sense of humor.

My Time

Husband is upset with me. I know that he's tired, but I'm not. He went to bed hours ago, but keeps getting up every 30 minutes to do random things. I know what it really is, it's to see what I'm doing. To see what is so all important to me, that I'm not yet laying in bed beside him.

I don't know how to tell him what it really is. It's simply that I want some time to myself. We spend 99% of every day together. We sleep together. We wake up together. We work together. We come home together. We eat together. We watch TV together. The only time we are apart is if one of us is in the bathroom, or are running to get that all important daily intake of caffeine for the two of us.

 I think somewhere in his mind, he has it that I don't love him enough to go to bed at the same time. If so, he's way off base. I love him more and more every day. Don't get me wrong, there are days I don't like him. Days I fantasize of bashing him upside the head with a skillet. But, in the end, I love him.

 I'm not a morning person, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a night owl. I have been for as long as I can remember. Soooo....instead of getting up a few hours earlier, I stay up a few hours later. What do I do with this "me" time? I read blogs, watch meaningless TV shows, read fiction books, surf the internet, draw, watch other people's lives on Facebook and Twitter, read Cracked.com, pin things on Pinterest that I will probably never really do or cook, and I write on my blog on occasion.

 It's actually quite boring. However, it helps me keep my sanity. If I tell Husband all of this, I'm afraid he would think it's just an excuse. That there really is some deep, underlying issue somewhere. What would you do?

This blog....

When I first started this blog, I did so because I was reading so many amazing blogs. Somewhere in my mind I wondered if what I had to say would matter as much to others, as what I was reading.

Here it is a few years later, and I've discovered the answer to this. No, people don't care what I have to say. Not in the grand scope of things, anyway. Sure, my friends - online and in real life - read and comment occasionally. But, that's about it. I found no fame. I found no loyal followers.

I have no one to blame but myself. My posts jump from the funny, to the depressing, to food, and to a personal diary of sorts. I don't post regularly enough for people to give a shit on if they stop by, or skip me over.

Don't take this as a whiny little bitch post. It's more of a what the hell was I thinking? ;) In reality, I didn't expect followers, or to get famous, but it was a nice pipe dream. I've decided I'm going to use this for what I really need it for. A place to vent. A place to come to when my day is shit. When my kids are driving me insane. When the Husband and I aren't getting along.

 I wish I could pretend this was a totally anonymous page, but I know better. My family reads it, Husband reads it, and friends read it. So, with that in mind, I get to wonder how much of what I put up will be censored. I thought about starting a whole new blog, where I could be anonymous. Then I realized with the settings the way they are, unless I go through the trouble of setting up a whole new email and fake identity, even that won't work.

My posts will be like they have been - varied, and off the wall. I may talk about work. I may talk about Husband. I may talk about Children. I may talk about food. I may even post some pics. If you don't like that, then please use the button to stop following me. If you're ok with the fact that I don't follow any set pattern, and pretty much do what I want, then please stay. Invite your friends, or don't invite them. Either way, thanks for sticking along for the ride!

happy......

There comes a point in your life where you realize your happiness is your responsibility, and some one else's happiness is their's.
Too bad some one else doesn't realize it. It's rough to be to be responsible for not only your own, but some one else's, too.

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