New perspective

The place where my clients receive their art, and in the process, pain.

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The Mess, the Wife, the Mother, the Cryer, the Laugher........

So, after my hiatus, I decided I was way far behind in reading my favorite bloggers.

I already knew that "Are You Serious" was gone. She did it with a simple post along the lines of: "Things are a mess, blogging makes it worse." A year later, I still wonder what happened to her. Ally from "Hyperbole and a half" was suffering depression, and while I found her facebook page, there is little there to go off of. I hope both of these women are doing ok.

I did not know that places such as "Absolutely Narcissism" and "A Life For Rent", we're MIA. "Carrie Bradshaw is Full of Shit", is now also gone. Ok, they may not be completely gone. The pages are there. The bloggers are missing. No new posts for several months now. In the case of Absolutely, the page is there, the posts are no longer available.

I have to wonder - did they, too, wake up one morning and wonder where they had gone? Did the enormity of the world around them make them decide that it wasn't worth writing about their problems? Were they afraid, like me, of getting too personal? saying too much??

I can admit it, now. I am depressed. Not hide-in-a-dark-room-and-speak-to-no-one kind of way. Just the way of I-don't-want-to-take-the-time-to-do-my-hair-and-makeup-because-no-one-gives-a-shit-anyway.  I still make it to work, I still do tattoos, I still cook for my family, do laundry, etc, etc. I just don't want to. I simply force myself to do these things. Otherwise, the whole structure that I have created will crumble. If I don't do these things, I will be the hide-in-a-dark-room kind of depressed.

When I started this blog, I think I was in the same place I am now. I have come full circle. In fact, I think that blogging is one of my self made cures. It doesn't matter if anyone reads it, or not. I get to get things off my chest, without anyone telling me I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. Hell, even if a follower does tell me I'm wrong, does it really matter??

It was named "Brain Worms" for a reason. The worms are all those thoughts that just won't go away. The ones that keep you up at night. The ones that don't allow you to function like a normal human being. Well, the worms are back. Not always in my own head, but in someone very near and dear to me. So, in turn, the worms take their turn in my brain, too. I get to hear near and dear's worries, anger, and more. Then, my worms take it, and chew and chew and chew on it, until I start to take them on as my own.

While not every post will be self analyzing, nor will they be depressing, I have found that simply typing things - ANYTHING - out, makes me feel better. It could be that I'm having a shit day, and don't want to be. So, I may make a post about something that made me smile. If I'm pissed, you may get to read about it.

I won't be the next Ally, the next Blogess, or any of the other well known bloggers.

I will be me. The Mess, the Wife, the Mother, the Cryer, the Laugher, the woman with the fucked up sense of humor.

My Time

Husband is upset with me. I know that he's tired, but I'm not. He went to bed hours ago, but keeps getting up every 30 minutes to do random things. I know what it really is, it's to see what I'm doing. To see what is so all important to me, that I'm not yet laying in bed beside him.

I don't know how to tell him what it really is. It's simply that I want some time to myself. We spend 99% of every day together. We sleep together. We wake up together. We work together. We come home together. We eat together. We watch TV together. The only time we are apart is if one of us is in the bathroom, or are running to get that all important daily intake of caffeine for the two of us.

 I think somewhere in his mind, he has it that I don't love him enough to go to bed at the same time. If so, he's way off base. I love him more and more every day. Don't get me wrong, there are days I don't like him. Days I fantasize of bashing him upside the head with a skillet. But, in the end, I love him.

 I'm not a morning person, by any stretch of the imagination. I'm a night owl. I have been for as long as I can remember. Soooo....instead of getting up a few hours earlier, I stay up a few hours later. What do I do with this "me" time? I read blogs, watch meaningless TV shows, read fiction books, surf the internet, draw, watch other people's lives on Facebook and Twitter, read Cracked.com, pin things on Pinterest that I will probably never really do or cook, and I write on my blog on occasion.

 It's actually quite boring. However, it helps me keep my sanity. If I tell Husband all of this, I'm afraid he would think it's just an excuse. That there really is some deep, underlying issue somewhere. What would you do?

This blog....

When I first started this blog, I did so because I was reading so many amazing blogs. Somewhere in my mind I wondered if what I had to say would matter as much to others, as what I was reading.

Here it is a few years later, and I've discovered the answer to this. No, people don't care what I have to say. Not in the grand scope of things, anyway. Sure, my friends - online and in real life - read and comment occasionally. But, that's about it. I found no fame. I found no loyal followers.

I have no one to blame but myself. My posts jump from the funny, to the depressing, to food, and to a personal diary of sorts. I don't post regularly enough for people to give a shit on if they stop by, or skip me over.

Don't take this as a whiny little bitch post. It's more of a what the hell was I thinking? ;) In reality, I didn't expect followers, or to get famous, but it was a nice pipe dream. I've decided I'm going to use this for what I really need it for. A place to vent. A place to come to when my day is shit. When my kids are driving me insane. When the Husband and I aren't getting along.

 I wish I could pretend this was a totally anonymous page, but I know better. My family reads it, Husband reads it, and friends read it. So, with that in mind, I get to wonder how much of what I put up will be censored. I thought about starting a whole new blog, where I could be anonymous. Then I realized with the settings the way they are, unless I go through the trouble of setting up a whole new email and fake identity, even that won't work.

My posts will be like they have been - varied, and off the wall. I may talk about work. I may talk about Husband. I may talk about Children. I may talk about food. I may even post some pics. If you don't like that, then please use the button to stop following me. If you're ok with the fact that I don't follow any set pattern, and pretty much do what I want, then please stay. Invite your friends, or don't invite them. Either way, thanks for sticking along for the ride!

happy......

There comes a point in your life where you realize your happiness is your responsibility, and some one else's happiness is their's.
Too bad some one else doesn't realize it. It's rough to be to be responsible for not only your own, but some one else's, too.

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I'm No Domestic Goddess

In with all the canning I've been doing, I have a lot of jars that get left empty until the next batch of beans, pumpkin, tomatoes, insert-whatever-I-can-cram-in-a-jar, is ready.

So, we started taking home made lunches to work. In jars. I thought I was unique. Forward thinking. Turns out, I'm not the only one who had this idea. Which is actually a good thing, as it meant I could now find out what other people put in their jars for lunches.

Some, haven't been so great, when it comes to trying to get each individual part back OUT of the jar to eat it. (In my defense, marinated steak strips (left jar in the above picture), topped by peas, topped by my Smashed Potatoes *recipe below*, and a liner full of home made sour cream - looks AWESOME in a jar. It's NOT my damn fault that I didn't think the whole marinade thing through, and how hard a cupcake liner of peas would be to get OUT of the jar. They went in so EASY!! However, it was damn good, if I do say so myself. Did I mention, it's cheap? Those jars of food up there cost less than a dollar!! Yes, a whole meal for UNDER a dollar!)

Others, have been awesome. They are the PERFECT jar food, and I find myself now cooking my meals at night as to how well they will convert to leftovers for the next days lunch. And how well I can double a recipe so that the kids will have a fast snack or lunch to grab, heat, and eat. One of these, "mock" White Castle Sliders, is actually BETTER the following day, than they are freshly made. You can find the recipe here: Big Red Kitchen. I know, Ms. Joss makes them look all pretty, and perfect and just the right amount of juice. However, if you are going to make these, please be forewarned that you will most likely be doing more than "blotting" some grease off the top. I, and another blogger, (ok, ok - a REAL blogger!)Groovy Mom , too, had to literally DUMP a cup or two of grease off. Don't let that deter you, they really ARE worth it. The perfect blend of beef, bun, onions and pickle. To have better flavor though, let them sit in fridge over night, and reheat in a microwave - bun and all - the next day.

By doing this, we have cut out fast food almost entirely from our meals. (This is a very, very good thing.) Each jar holds the perfect serving size for us. Mine goes in pints, Husband's goes in pint and a half jars. We aren't tempted to "super size", and then eat more than what we really want or need, to avoid waste.

I'm no domestic goddess, but I do know my way around a kitchen. Some days I wish I didn't. I'm sure every cook has those days though. By thinking ahead, and actually planning for leftovers, I have discovered that the quality of my cooking has gone back up. I am once again making an effort with it, instead of just doing it by routine. In order to make a meal in a jar work, it has to be food that will hold up, and be as good, if not better than it was the day you cooked it.

By doing all our meals in jars, I have it figured out that we are saving approximately $11 a day (yes, I said a DAY), from our at work food budget. As for calories? I haven't sat down and put all numbers to papers, but I do know that a typical fast food meal is around 1800 calories, and an average jar meal is about 400 to 600. HUGE difference.

As promised, recipe for "Smashed Potatoes":

You will need one full size potato, cut into quarters, or 2 - 4 small red or white potatoes, per each adult.

Preheat oven to 400 degrees, F. Boil the potatoes for approximately 8 - 10 minutes, drain.

On a lightly greased cooked sheet, take potatoes, one at a time, and smash them onto the cookie sheet, to flatten.

Top with 1/2 to 1 tsp of butter or olive oil - according to your taste. Season with salt, pepper, or seasoning of your choice.

Bake for 15 - 20 minutes, until potatoes start to brown, and crisp on the edges.

Remove from oven, and serve as is, or as you would a baked potato - sour cream, cheese, bacon bits, etc.

(See, SUPER easy, not to mention CHEAP, if you use whole potatoes in place of baby potatoes. I truly wish I had a pic to show you, as these look really "fancy", and like you put a lot of effort into them! We eat these as both a side dish, and as a main course - depends on the night!)

Who would imagine...

Moat people who run across me on my outside the home, daily life, would never imagine what my life is like.

I'm covered in tattoos. Some days I wear make up, some days i don't. I might be in jeans, shorts, or a dress.

You wouldn't know to see me, that my youngest is being schooled at home.

You wouldn't dream that I have a garden. One that most would be envious of.

Out of that garden, I can some of the most delicious food. At current time, I have 39 jars of food set back for winter. That is just the beginning.

But, to look at the freak that walks past.you in the grocery store, you wouldn't know these things. Most would assume.drugs, or a life of hard times.

It's funny the stereotypes people believe, and the real story behind the person you just passed.

I have a ton of canning recipes, but am always looking for more. I'm getting brave this year - I canned meat.

From the smell, I don't.know that i would suggest ground beef, but time will only tell.

The one thing I can't wait to try is the sweet pickles that are posted here!

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